Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp