Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
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me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
the dark web is just a goth google.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline