people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
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DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.