80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
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millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Received some very disappointing news today