One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
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*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Breaking news:
Knock Knock
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up