Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Love this guy
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard