[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
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My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie