I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
meanwhile over on facebook
Optional boss fight.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing