had to share :’)
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I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Black Friday “markdowns” like
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS