Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
You Might Also Like
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
what does he know…
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I ate everything, including the H.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
This is Sparta