People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
stop
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster