Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
You Might Also Like
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.