I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
You Might Also Like
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks