Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Tastes like chicken.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
#titanic
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream