If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
no one ever comes back
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not