So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
moms in horror movies
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .