me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭