I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo