Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Sponch
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
my professor scared me for a second
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.