Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
As the Lord intended
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?