I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
What number SPF blocks people?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died