Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”