Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
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Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.