13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Your honor these allegations are
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*