Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Happy Star Wars day!
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not