Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Going into Monday like
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree