LOOOOOOL
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
For those that worship cheese..
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name