This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
See..?
.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
181.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah