[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
mariah carrie
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’m giving up for Lent.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
(Electricians.)
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer