We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
You Might Also Like
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Hank is one in a melon.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born