Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
You Might Also Like
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
What’s so funny?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish