When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.