Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
somebody come look at this
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”