Me as a therapist: omg same
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.