got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers