him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Mornin
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.