when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!