Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”