Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.