All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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