my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
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Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage