do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Education is vital
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”