Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
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Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Called it
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
The 4 stages of a family vacation
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening