*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
😂 amazing answer
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Just got to our Airbnb!
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day