is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
boat question
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies