Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm