Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
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Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*