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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…