I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
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There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Pandas 🐼🖤
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.