Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.